Regression

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional and the medications, dosages, and treatments described here are not meant for any readers to use as their own diagnoses and dosages. I have deliberately been vague about actual medications and some of their dosages to prevent this. They are described here purely for the purposes of showing fellow insomnia and anxiety sufferers that there is help for them out there and that there is hope for them. Please seek professional medical help if you need it.

When the going is good, it’s really good, and when the going is bad, it’s a big, old, fat reminder that for every good night of sleep I have there will be another night of bad sleep that will make me feel like I have regressed completely in treating insomnia.

I hate it, it makes me feel really useless and like I am getting nowhere.

Last month I had 7  really good, consecutive nights of sleep, including 1 where I managed to fall asleep without any sleeping pill and slept the whole night through. It was such a good sleep and I was so happy with that breakthrough. It was the first time in more than a year that I fell asleep without a sleeping pill, yay me!

Just when I was starting feel smug about how good my sleep was and like I was making proper progress with my sleep, my body decided to remind me that I am in control of nothing. Inability to fall asleep and stay asleep hit me like a ton of bricks. Any of you who experience endless nights like this will know how awful you feel during the days that follow this. Hopeless, would be the word I would choose to best describe this feeling. Fear, would be the other descriptor I would use. The fear around not being able to fall asleep the following night eats me up and can cause so much anxiety if I don’t keep it in check.

Not being able to sleep is a horrible experience and the inability to do so can leave you feeling pretty useless. It should be as natural as breathing, right? Wrong!

I still have hope though that things will improve. All I can do for now is note down all these occurrences of bad nights, try and get through my days without messing up any work and driving safely to and from work, and trying not to let the fear of going to sleep get to me too much.

What also keeps my chin up is knowing that this is a common trait for anyone experiencing insomnia and receiving treatment, that makes me feel better and gives me comfort. Sometimes it’s really nice to feel like one of the crowd and not unique!

And thankfully, I’ve been experiencing mostly good nights of sleep since then. A few really bad ones every now and then which I could do without 😛

Anyone else experience this?

 

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